| January again.... Dammit.... |
[01 Jan 2005|02:23am] |
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FFVIII Opening w/sound effects |
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A new year has come...
A new one is here already...meaning my LJ is almost a year old...
I'm contemplating making it friends only so people only on my friends lst can read it... That'd be kinda nice... you know?
Whatever though...
Oh, how I am so lonely at the moment...
When I should be sleeping, btw...lol
Blah...
Blah blah....
blah blah blah...
Yeah.
I did get a BUNCH of Silent hill stuff yesterday/day before...
And JTHM Director's Cut
So, Whoo!
But materials and things won't cure loneliness...
But that should go away in a few hours when I go past being lonely into depression and start listening to my CDs as I sit there awake all night and just scribble and scrawl stuff into some notebook I found...
goddamn do I wish some people lived closer to me >.<
It would be a hell of alot better..
Sure, in a few years I can go visit them, but I'm very very afraid of what could happen to me or them in these next few years...
Not really what could happen to me, but what I might do to myself...
Hmm...
then again, maybe if I ca get something of mine published I can scrounge up enough money to go visit them...
Hmm......
Probably won't happen, but at least it's an idea... A thought, an almost plan....
I don't have too many of those I share with people.
I keep all that stuff inside for some reason...
I've no clue why either....
Maybe I'll draw later....
Maybe....
Draw what?
Draw somethig, what else?
I've no clue....
Exactly, so if you don't know, don't ask and I won't have to call you an idiot!
Fine then..... I've no time to listen to crap like this...
What? where you off to? Where can you go that I can't? We're the same person, you should know that!
I do... but I can seclude myself deeper into the brain where your thick headed ways won't fit and I can weave my skinny body deeper and deeper and shut you off so there's just me in control, not two people fighting over it all the fucking time....
You wouldn't....
HAHA you've said that before, and again... I've no time to hear it...
No... No you don't... Well, if we're the same person, wouldn'ty turning me off turn you off as well and leave the guy here by hmself in his own mind?
Sure it would, but I don't care. As long as he's not under your rule anymore, he's fine... so go fuck yourself whileI go down and turn us off...
Fine then...
*moments later*
Wha? What? What happened? Son of a bitch... I must've lost control again. I fucking hate when that happens....
*turns to leave and in permanent marker all over his hands, legs, arms, feet, and face is written "I'm lonely... Come and save me. Please."*
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| I may be relaxed, but I'ms till uneasy.... |
[28 Dec 2004|07:22pm] |
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...But Home Is Nowhere/This Time is Perfect - AFI |
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I got a goot lot for Christmas, and I'm happy. But I'd actually be ecstatic if my parents'd let me get the stuff I want to with my gift certificates for Best Buy and use money on Amazon.com
The list of stuff I'd buy is
Resident Evil
Resident Evil : Apoalypse
Johnny The Homicidal Maniac Director's Cut
Silent Hill
Silent Hill 4
& the guide to Summoner 2
Anyways, I got a few CDs yesterday...
AFI - AFI
AFI - Sing The Sorrow
Korn - Greatest Hits Vol. 1
and the Resident Evil OST
Yeah...
Dah... I feel so paranoid that someone is watching what I'm typing over my shoulder and such. It's rather annoying to have to look around every few seconds to see if anyone IS there and if they are quickly change to some roandom Silent Hill site...
Blah, yesterday sucked. It really did.
I hated it other than getting new CDs...
We had a BUNCH of people over for some Christmas dinner thing.
Blah... Too many people O.o...
Another thing is we had ham... X_x
I really don't like eating meat too much.
Blah.
Whatever
"There'll be no angels gracing the lines"
AFI is an awesome band...
Korn is okay too, but I like them for whan I'm feeling REALLY REALLY down... Like, suicidal down... And when I'm alone in the dark.
The same goes for some Slipknot songs...
Privacy.... Gone... >.<
X_x
WHY?!
Blah...
Blah... I feel SO uncomfortable... My cousin is staying in my room with me... X_x
Kinda annoying, but I really don't mind.
And you know what? I'm going to go down to my frandma's house tomorrow to just finish off the discomfort for the Christmas season...
Just waste my damned vacation away!
lol
I really haven't done anything...
And it will still feel as if I have done nothing unless I'm able to get that list of things...
There will always be that uneasy feeling when the thoughts of Christmas of '04 come up...
Hey, I have those feeling all the time, so whatever...
Anyway, about yesterday...
I got really pissed at my damned computer because it wasn't burning or working properly, so I just freaking got on my bike and rode away down some back roads for about 3 miles... I think that's close to about 5 something or 6 something K...
Whatever.
I just kept riding listening to the Resident Evil soundtrack through the rain and kept going...
Then turned around and came back the 3 miles...
I really missed the internet the past few days.
I really did...
And I missed talking to nobody on my LJ.
I know it's nobody because nobody replies anymore to my cries for help...
Then again, people do take note of it...so... It's not nobody.
There's probably 2 or maybe 3 people who do actually even read this.
And I know I've been down that road many many times before... So most people don't even take note of it because they may think it's a cry for attention, but it's not. It's how I feel all the time... Blah blah blah...
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| Wasted days go by one by one and my life seems to shed itself away from me... |
[20 Dec 2004|11:15pm] |
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Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails |
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I have the new Chevelle CD...
Yay.
I think.
It's okay.
Whatever though.
Hmm... What else may I want to say upon this site of shit that I keep praying to?
I have no clue.
I call it praying for a few reasons.
One is that I post stuff up here hoping that someone will find it and make things all better. But that never seems like it will happen...Ever.
But that doesn't seem tos top me at all.
Another reason is that prayers seem to be just confessions in a way and asking for guidance in life. But prayers and wishes are different.
They both don't have a high answer rate, but still.
Wishes are usually more... How do you say it... Well, they usually don't come from the heart and soul. They come from the deep mind usually, but they don't always have that heartful intent behind it.
Prayers are more related to last hopes and such...
Or they are for me.
I'll tell the truth here when I say that about 20% of these entries I contemplated having them be my last, but something always draws me back.
I don't know what it is either.
There are plenty of entries here that would fit in the cetergory of "Last stand"
And you all know that too, if you were to go back and read all the entries.
Hell, I almost ahte some of my first ones because I was so stupid and ignorant then.
Sure it may have only been last January that I started keeping a Livejourna, but still.
ALOT of shit ha shappened over this year that has mentally changed me, maybe forever.
For one, it drove me to the point of having to go to therapy at the wish of my parents because they found a few of the many secrets that I would never tell them for obvious reasons.
This entry itself could be a last entry of a person. A "suicide note" if you would.
But it's not.
It's far from it.
Alot of my notes that seem like "suicide notes" are just realizations I've made and explanations of things.
I almost can't stand to type the old entries I used to of every single detail of what went on in my day or past few days.
They get so dry and boring because I almost never do anything, and the stuff that I actually do I usually tell the people I want to know about it over messenger.
AIM and MSN people... AIM and MSN.......
Hell, a few of the people on my friend list for LJ I almost lost contact with alltogether. They either got busy with schoiol, different time zones, etc...
Whatever, you know?
But, the fact still remains that they don't seem to be there at all for me and I'm not there for them.
So, I've lost a few friends online. Shit ahppens, you know?
So, whatever.
Let's see what else happened over this year that would drive me to the brink of insanity and shove me over, pull me back up, throw me over, throw me back up, and whip me around a bit...
Well, one thing is that I've lost one of the people I care about...
It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to alot of people to lose an online friend...
But this person's been a friend of mine online sicne 6th grade.
I also noticed something...
I REALLY REALLY hate alot of the people at my school. This factor affects me a hell of alot because all the time I see people I could have a crush on with people that seem like their boyriends and such and then I just stop. So almost everyone I have a crush on at school I just assume they have a boyfriend and don't even bother.
Also, the 2 people I've ever asked out to some crappy ass school dance my dad forced me to go to rejected me, and since then I kind of gave up.
It's kind of sad really.
It may not seem like that big of a deal to alot of people, but when you go through 8 years of school always hesitant of making new friends and talking to people and then are forced to ask someone to some shitty school dance and get rejected twice, and made fun of for one of the people you asked to it... It takes quite a toll on one's self esteem.
Shit, my self esteem is so fucked up it's rather funny.
It's as if I've just started shielding ymself from things this year, but the damage inside is just...fuck... It can't be repaired too easily.
It's just like sticking a band aid over a spot of internal bleeding.
It may pad the outside and prevent some more damage, but it's not really going to help alot.
Can you people contemplate how many tiems this past year that I've actually held a knife to my throat or rubbed the cold steel of them on my flesh?
Well, it's a hell of alot, I'll tell you that.
And so is the number of times I've started to take a walk and ended up only a half mile from the highway where you can guess what I was going to do.
And you know, all this stuff probably hurts inside to know. But do you have any idea what it's like to sit back in your mind and watch yourself from the inside with all of these suicidal tendencies go through everyday life and think to yourself every day "Hey, this pen looks rather sharp. I wonder how hard I'd have to stab myself in the chest to actually pierce my heart" or "Maybe I should try swallowing these glass shards" or "That car's going awfully fast. I just could jump in front of it and have an accident"
EVERY GODDAMN DAY I have to sit back and listen to those thoughts flash through my head at 300 words per minute in self talk.
And for those of you that don't know what self talk is, it's that back deep voice in your head that always tends to think faster than you can talk to yourself in your head. It's the voice that knows what the full sentence is you're going to say within a millisecond becore you actually get around to saying it.
But, every fucking day I sit back and look around at all of these objects around me and see how many ways I could kill myself with them and I start making lists.
There actually is a reason I carry around 50 pound fishing line, partially broken wallet chains, toothpicks, rubber bands, and random pieces of metal in my pockets all the time. Just in case, you know?
And this is a prayer, a wish, a last request...
I really do want help here.
All of the other entries that were like this I wanted help as well, but now more so than anytime.
I may not do anything stupid, as some may say, but in my mind I'll always keep thinking the exact same thoughts day after day after day until my time comes.
And that really doesn't sound like a full, complete, happy life is you ask me.
It sounds more like the life of that guy who works at some office in a cubicle filling out papers day after day that nobody seems to notice. The one who always seems to listen to music with his headphones on as he works to bands that nobody's heard of, but all of their names haf something creepily to do with something satanic, or about death.
You know that person.,
The one who always looks over at the window when he goes to get a cup of water on his break and things of how fast and hard he'll have to hit that window for it to break and have him fall about 15 floors down into city traffic.
The guy who sits at home in his apartment on the 5th floor looking over the balcony outside at the traffic below wondering "Would anyone care? How would it affect people?"
And always asks himself the question, "Will it affect the person whose car I fall on? Will they be broken hearted at all for the loss of me?"
The one who always replies to his own question, "No, no they wouldn't.... Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow."
You all know there's people like that in your everyday lives. You pass by them all the time. You all are oblivious to the fact that those thoughts are running through their minds at any given moment.
You never know who thinks those thoughts and who doesn't.
You never know.
But, you know I'm one of them and will grow up to be that guy in the cubicle looking at the window asking myself those questions every day for the rest of my life.
So, as a last request before I settle in with this future, tell those around you that you love them. Make them feel needed and appreciated.
Just... Do so.
If not for me, then definately for them.
Do it for them, for all of them.
For all of those people in the cuibicles alone just thinking question aftr question and always answering them by themselves.
Make them feel loved....
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| Godammit... How could I be so stupid? |
[17 Dec 2004|07:07pm] |
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Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle |
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I'm sorry people.
I'm sorry Jenny, and everyone.
I'm just sorry.
I was a fuckng dumbass for quite a while now...
I was ignorant to what was right in front of me.
I was blind to all the subtle hints people were giving me.
I was lost in everything that was stirred up around me.
Everything for me has been shifted around and gone down the fucking drain for me.
Everything just about.
I mean it.
Hell, I'm going to therapy for things getting too horrible to handle on my own.
Also, I've come to the conclusion that if heaven is a lie, then love is a mistake, and therefore life is meaningless.
How could I have not seen all this before?
Well, first off... I've been... I dunno how to decribe it...
I was just too busy thinking of love and shit and was blind to certain things.
But you know what?
Fuck love.
Fuck deep friendships.
Fuck it all.
I'm going to have tio get used to being alone forever. I really am.
I mean, shit. With the divorce percentages now, what is it? 3/5 marriages fail? I think something like that.
Something tells me that if I ever get married it will be one to fail.
Lucky me would be one of the 3 to fail...
So...fuck it.
And deep friendships... people die eventually so... What's the point.
And everyone I know tends to be depressed and have some sort of problem... So, why get attached mentally to someone just to have them fuck me over emotionally later?
It's pointless.
It really really is.
Sorry if I'm offending anyone who would actually fucking read this.
I really need to get used to working for myself, thinking for myself, and stop having emotional attachments to people.
Shit... Maybe I'll just start forcing a "Why does anyone fucking care, and why should I?" mentality upon myself.
And here's something for you all to ponder...
Alot of my habits and likes/dislikes I picked up from my friends and such trying to be closer with them.
Like...
I picked up my like for Final Fantasy from my friend Joey.
My like for Silent Hill from Jenny.
Resident Evil from umm... I believe my cousin.
Anime from Joey, Charles, Andrew, etc... in 6th grade.
My clothing choices from alot of my friends.
Music from Joey, Max (when he was actually here), Bobby, Tobin etc...
I picked up my like for Linkin Park, Metallica, System of a Down, Godsmack, etc... from Tobin and from there it just grew.
I picked up Diablo 2 from Charles and Hiroshi.
Well, you get the idea.
And yes, I've made ALOT of changes, they may have been slow, but they were still changes, for alot of people.
You can ask me if I've made some sort of change for you, and my answer is yes.
I'm sick and tired of all of this.
I need to start evolving and growing on my own
Fck everyone else.
It sounds selfish, but I believe when it gets to the point where you start to judge yourself on other people's standards and try to enforce them upon yourself and end up with insomnia 3 nights a week and wanting to just stab needles through yourself, you deserve a break from everyone else....
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| *sigh* Yet another wasted day, I believe |
[15 Dec 2004|09:33pm] |
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Heaven's A Lie - Lacuna Coil |
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I got about nothing done today.
All I did in school was...
French - work on a review sheet
Bio - Take a few notes...
Alg. 2 - Do the first part of our test
Eng. 2X - Watch the first part of Elf... (God I really REALLY hate going to that class now... Or I will the rest of this week... We're doing NOTHING PRODUCTIVE!)
Lunch - Nothing... Atr very little
History - Worked on a worksheet about the Russian Revolution and events that lead up to it
Psych. - Had a test (which I got 100% on for some reason)
Yeah...
What a productive day.
The rest of this week is just...tests and parties...
It's nothing good.
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm not even looking forward to the winter break at all...
I'd rather have school......
Hmm... What else made today a wasted day?
Well, first... I didn't do my homework.
I wasted time watching TV
I spent time finding songs online.
Umm...
I'm taking up useless space on the planet... And by useless, I mean that it would only be used for some other filthy worm-being of utter disgust to fill.
(As you can tell, I don't think too highly of people in general)
Also, I never got to go post on my message boards... Err... the message boards I usually go to.
Also, I didn;t get to talk to Jenny (which I must accept happens pretty often, but...whatever)
That reminds me.
I'm a sick sad little being...
I REALLY need to get certain things through my mind...
Like...that everyone has their own lives and that they really don't give a shit.
I think it'd be easier if I was able to think that all the time.
I mean, I tried to ask a question in a few of my classes but got interrupted by students and the teacher time after time.
I'm starting to think that I'm actually dead and that people who even notice me have a sixth sense.
I mean, wouldn;t that make sense?
Really...
Some people can't see or taste or feel anything... So why can;t people not have that sixth sense of communication with the other beings?
It only makes sense, doesn;t it?
That makes sense on more than one level too...
I'm too lazy to describe it all though.
But, yeah.
I'm a sick sad little being.
And I found the best song ever....
Heaven's A Lie by Lacuna Coil
It's just....awesome.
"Set me free, because heaven's a lie"
I also realized that I'm going to have to accept the fact that I will [always] be alone in life.
I mean, really... What person would even CONSIDER spending life with me, of all people.
I really am a screwed up person.
I mean, shit..... I feed off of my depression and it makes me feel horrible inside, but it's that horrible feeling that I crave...
I also found that crying is kind of like being scared...
After a while it takes more and more to scare someopne, just like it starts to take more and more to cause those emotions to stir up and cause the liquid regrets to release.
Well, I'd prefer crimson regrets, but I [think] promised someone I wouldn't.
I also promised that I'd try and get better... Whatever that meant.
Better how?
Better is not that descriptive....
Better could mean better at being horrible.
Really people....
I'm not sure what I'll listen to tomorrow on the bus.... Maybe Mer de Noms...
Or eMOTIVe..... Or maybe I'll keep with Thirteenth Step....
Whatever.
It doesn't matter. They're all three depressing enough to make me feel like shit.
And that's just perfect too?
Feeling like shit before I go to the therapists... Then he can actually see how fucking horrible I am when I get into that deep of a mood.
I mean deep as in like the well deep.
Think of your mood as a well...
UIp at the top it's all light and you can be all happy and shit.... But the further down you go the colder and colder and darker it gets.
And there's a point inbetween where you feel nothing. I'm at that point now. Sort of...
But, it's kind of a numbing point. Down below the horrible feelings is a point of nothing where t's just so bad you stop feeling in general. No emotional attachment to anything. It's where you just go through the day like a fucking robot. No emotion. Just doing what they give you. Doing what's required to move on. I stay about where I am now, in the numb point, and go as deep as the nothing feelings....
It's pretty bad, I guess. Or, people seem to think I'm in a bad mood. But I don't think of it as "bad" because "bad" is a horrible word to use...ever.
I mean, it's so vague.
I'd prefer to use the word "horrible" or something with disaster....
You know?
no, you don;t know. I'm talking to a fucking webpage.
A fuking webpage that will never reply back to me. I mean, shit. It's like talking to a book. It contains info, but it will never talk back to you. You can say whetever, but the page itself will never respond.
It's kind of sad to think that I just throw all of this information up here and thoughts and feeling to a website.
The only reason I do it anymore is to put me in a horrible mood so I can work it out and move on. But I can;t move on. I never can. I just tend to suppress all the feelings into a folder and pull them ALL out later and look at them. I always pull them out and ridicule them and make me feel worse for feeling those feelings in the first place.
Isn;t that horrible?
No, of course it;s not.
I'm sure people do it all the time.
Or do they?
Am I just trying to make myself feel better?
Of course.
I do it all the time. It never works because I always look through things and see what I want. Or I don;t look through things because I don;t want to see what's on the other side.
Of course, this never works. I always block the wrong things and fuck myself over so bad....
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[12 Dec 2004|06:21pm] |
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Melissa Williamson - Room of Angel (From SH4 OST) |
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( Read more... )
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| "I don't feel the way I've ever felt..." |
[08 Dec 2004|09:31pm] |
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Pain - Jimmy Eat World |
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I noticed something that I keep noticing all the time a little bit ago.
When I get jealous of peopel it doesn't make me mad... It makes me sad and depressed.
Everyone assumes jealousy is closely related to anger or frustration...
Frustration, yes...
But anger, no...
The msot common type of jealousy I get is that of when I feel left out.
But hey, I can't be part of everything.
And what's bad is what I feel elft out of is the things that I can't even be a part of anyway.
Like...
When I have a crush on someone and I see the person with other people I secretly wish I was a part of what they were doing somehow...
But I can't be.
I can never be.
I'll always be me... Someone who's lonely, depressed, and annoying as hell.
You all knwo I am...
You ALL do.
I knwo for a fact I've annoyed ALL of you at least once and in various ways...
Don't lie about it... I know it's true.
Why would you want to lie anyways?
Everyone doesn't care because everyone can't care.
Not everyone knows what I think all of the time... Hell, even I don't because I zone out and my mind wanders and when I pay attention again it's in the middle of some horribly depressing thought.
From there I force it to change...
I have to manually FORCE thoughts from my head ALL THE TIME!!
I'm starting to think that I actually NEED to be on anti-depressants because if I don't somehow get help in some way or another I'm gonna end up doing something I'm going to regret... Or even worse... Something that I won't even be able to regret....
>.<
Unless... Heaven or hell or some other afterlife exists.
It's rather depressing when you know if there is a hell you're going to it. And what's worse is when you start thinking and adding up all og what you did "wrong" and come to the conclusion that nothing can "save" you....
Shit....
There's a breaking point for everyone... A point where you can;t take anymore and when even the slightest thing that you would be able to shurg off before happens it makes you explode and break.
Something close to that happened today.
On the bus, after a shitty day of school, I was sitting minding my own bussiness ("Yeah, right..." you're probably thinking, but I was just sitting there listening to SOAD and zoning out, honest) when Daniel poked me and asked me something, I hit pause long enough to hear what he had to say and then hit play again and didn't pay any attention to it.
Then Tony reached over and fucked around with my hood....
There's just some things you NEVER EVER do to a person after they've had a shitty day, and piss them off is one of them.
I grabed Tony's hand faster than I thought I could and then tried to twist his hand around so amny times that it would make him open his fist so I could bend all his fingers back and then stab at his eyes with my hand.
But his hand was all oily from something so I wasn't able to...
He got his hand back and yeah.
Everyone left me the fuck alone for the rest of the busride.
Of course I just sat there with a psychotic look on my face with my head tilted to the side because I just let my neck loosen up...
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| It's a shame I don't feel anything... Or I try not to feel anything at least... |
[07 Dec 2004|06:58pm] |
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The Way You Like It [Sam "sever" Citrin Remix] - Adema |
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The past two days have been better than before, but they're still not that great.
I started listening to SOAD again, but only the first album because I like that one best for some reason.
It gives me the feeling of dark forest green and a dark brown color.
Yes, I feel co0lors sometimes rather than actual feelings. It's easier to have colors sometimes than feelings because there are sometimes not even words to describe how you feel, but colors seem to work just fine.
The same works with songs and such. They can pose as feelings as well, but it only works sometimes. Not as much as colors though.
Byt anyway...
I feel light blue over black.
You see? It's rather easy when you imagine it because the feeling of light blue over black seems to give off a strong but helpless feeling in a sense and all that.
lol
Whatever....
Now I'm listening to Pain by Jimmy Eat World.
It's one of the only songs I like by them.
I've come to find out that I'm not suitable for alot of things.
Many of the things are that of what I'd never want to do, like be in the olympics for example.
There's no way in hell I'd make my body go through that...
Other things would be those of highly emotional things that require me to not get attached at all to things.
Hell, I feel as if I'm not even cut out to do the most simple of things.
On the other hand, others think I'm more than capable and I just keep doing thing after thing for people and school and when I take time to myself it's only a few hours from time to time.
I consider computer time neutral.
Hell, I just fucking need to take a day or 3 off.... Just take time off anf relax and play video games and listen to music, eat whatever whenever and all that.
Watch movies and shit... Just fucking relax.
Nobody can bother me then or else it'd cancel the whole thing out really.
I just need to be me and be alone unless I want it that way.
I need to take time off for me and be alone.... Just......yeah.
But can I?
Hell no...
My parents are ALWAYS home and my mom wouldn't let me and I know my dad wouldn't either.
So...fuck.
Anyways...
I'm dreading thursday and wanting it to come faster...
I really really have mixed feelings about it, but since my Dad already set it up I can't back out...
Oh hell no...
Let's see...
What all caused the future events of Thursday?
Well, let's see...
Last week about Thursday I wrote a few things on my whole arm like "You're a bad person" and "You will die alone" and such...
My mom saw them on Saturday and then I had some long and REALLY FRIGGIN uncomfortable conversation with my parents about it and yeah.
Since I had no clue why I did it and they weren't getting much from me they decided I need to see a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist whatever you want to call them...
So, I have an appointment on thursday to go see someone...
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| I wish I could just make things better for the ones I love... |
[02 Dec 2004|08:49pm] |
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Crappy/Worried as hell/Bad |
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Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day |
] |
Too much bad shit is happening.
I thought better stuff would happen... But no, it got exponentially worse, I believe.
I'm just a ball of dark energy causing those I love's lives to go awry.
It's bad... Really bad.
I hate it.
I despise it.
I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't know what to do anymore....
I just have no clue at all.....
If someone ahs any idea, please please tell me.
If you don't know what's wrong, IM me on messenger and I'll explain.
There's some of you who probably know, and others that are left ignroant and that should stay ignorant because I just can't let you know all of what's happening. I really don't want to tworry you.
Believe me,, it's worse than it sounds.
Hell, today in Psych. we took some small Stress Test thing.
0-149 = Not stressed
150-300 = Moderate stress
300+ = Stressed
700+ = Problems
That's the scale thingy my psych teacher told us.
Know what I got?
Over 2000...
Just...fuck.
And I believe that is a time to curse. I truly now know I have a problem and it's more stressfull than paying taxes.
(Note: My parents say when I pay taxes that I can have the right to curse...)
Just.....shit... You know?
And the list was over the past year like... Stressfull things that happened.
Such as a close friend or family member goes to the hospital or something.
Hell, my mom's been to the hospital at least 12 times in the past 6 months... Just...fuck...
That really does a number on someone.
Each time it was as if she could have died it seemed like also.
Just...fuck....
Another thing was major sleep changes.
Hell, I went through 6 at least...easily.
I go through periods that last a month or so of sleeping normally (7-9 hours) then go to like sleeping 3 hours, then 5 hours, then normal, then back to 3 or so...
And eating habits were on there as well...
I have MAJOR ones with that.
At least 6.
I go through month or 2 periods of eating normally, then not eating practically and just alternate between them.
It really screws up your mind and attention span.
Really...
Whatever though.
I'm not the problem though.
Someone else is.
Everyone is.
Nobody is.
I am.
No... no I'm not.
I really don't care much about myself.
I care more about some others.
I'd actually die a slow painful death for the rest of eternity if it would give the one I love eternal happiness. I really would. Just the chance to see them happy is enough to let me go on.
But no...
That's not the case now.
It's totally different.
I'm struggling to come up with a way to help them.
There seems to be none that I know of...
but...just...fuck.
Really.
When it comes down to someone's life, you really start thnking of outrageous things that could have the lsightest chance to help them.
I really am tempted to just take my money, go withdraw everything in my bank thingy, and somehow make my way up to where she is.
I'm so close to planning it out.
|
|
| "Something isn't right...." |
[24 Nov 2004|09:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Predictable - Good Charlotte |
] |
Whatever...
Isn't that a great way to start an entry? With the word "Whatever" ?
No, it's not. I get the feeling from that like the person doesn't care. And you know what? I always act as if I don't care and I do. I'd say 60% of the time I do.
Not all of the time, but still.
It's more than half.
That means I lie... But I guess it's a white lie because it's to not worry people...
But you know what? It eats away at me. Every single one of those lies is just adding another grain of sand to the bag that's weighing me down to the bottom of the well. I'm sinking and it seems to be faster and faster lately.
I don't tell everyone everything... That's only a small part of the lies.
The other part is I'm lying to myself. I keep feeding myself bullshit lies to make my mood better, but when they run out I feel worse than before and have to feed myself more and more lies to feel better and it's just a mess.
It really is.
If things were how I wanted them I'd either be dead and finally free and able to just escape, or there'd be alot of changes.
One problem I've found is I'm exponentially more depressed than last year and I keep telling myself I'm not, but I am.
I don't know why or how, but I am.
And you know what else? It affects my attention span as well.
Hell, I probably do have a small thing of ADD if not ADHD.
But I know for sure I probably have ADD.
Fuck, I can't concentrate for shit in class.
I have no clue how I'm passing.
My mind just wants to escape and just run away.
Every damned day I want to run and not turn back.
Run and not care.
Run and just fucking forget it all.
But I don't.
I hate my body.
I'm growing more and more udnerweight because I hate eating. I really do. I'll not eat to prove a point, not eat to spite someone, not it because I don't want to, not eat to feel pain in my stomach, not eat to "add" to my mood, not eat to not eat, not eat for many other reasons as well.
I really hate eating at the moment.
I could care less also.
I should care less, but I don't.
Here... This is what I ate all day today. I mean all of it.
1 Bagel w/peanut butter
3 Frozen juice things
3 Egg rolls
1 small plate of fried rice
1 small thing of tuna w/crackers
About 12 small stick pretzels
A handfull of jelly beans
That's it. That's all of it.
And most of that is just because my mom made me eat. I could care less if I eat or not.
Hell, I believe the average weight for my height is about 190 pounds and I'm only at about 155.
lol
That's just great isn't it?
Whatever.
And this time I really don't care. I'll probably lose another 15 mounds before I actually do anything. My parents will notice something wrong and they'll ask me about it. I know tha. It will be awkward and nothing will get done. I'll fidget with my foot for about 2 hours while they talk at me. Not with me because I'm not talking... I'm just fidgeting wishing I could be somewhere else. They'll be talking at me.
They'll ask me questions I won't have answers I want to tell them for.
They'll be worried I guess.
This type of thing has happened twice this year.
Once for some suicide note I was writing and another time for some sudden outburst of anger.
Yeah... They worry about me and I know it.
I kinda hate that feeling that people keep me here from killing myself.
But you know what? I think it'd be easier to live if people didn't care about me as much as they do. Well, not really, but if people just let me be me without having all these damned rules to prevent that.
|
|
| Dah... damned sore throat.... |
[21 Nov 2004|09:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Stories - Trapt |
] |
My throat is now sore as hell...
It's gotten worse in the past couple days somehow....
O.o
Luckily my mom got me more cough drops today.
I seem to have lost interest in posting on here...but I still do anyways.
I have no idea why.
Well, I do have an idea... But still.
Yeah, whatever... The reason is a good one.
^_^
Wow... I haven't used that expression in the LONGEST of times... X_x
Whatever.
I finally found Dragon Warrior 3 so I started playing that earlier. And my personality is Vain.... lol, whatever.
It's odd how I just keep going on in life without a question. The days seem to go by as if I have no control over them. It's like I'm just sitting back and letting things flow. Almost like watching a movie...
"Am I made of glass because you see right through me"
Hmm....
I need to do something, but I forgot what.
My memory is really crappy because I web things together and it gets all confusing sometimes. Not to mention there are HUGE gaps in time in my memory. Thsi year of school is just... All over. I remember a few specific things, but I have no specific times of when they happened. Like...days etc... All of that stuff seems to get blurred after a few days.
Also, I dunno why I even bother.
There is only like... a few people I actually live for. Really... It scares me.
Not scary as in horror movie scary, but as in... like...realizing a horrible truth that will eventually kill you. Like finding out you have cancer!
In a way I do... We all do.
The cancer of life. It keeps growing and growing until it kills us. We all eventually die. This fact is usually forgotten. I don't know what people think deep down of what happens to them in the end, but it sure as hell isn't live.
We all die.
Sure, some beliefs say we get reincarnated or we go to an afterlife, but I have mixed feelings towards all of that.
No matter which one is true I'm screwed over because I have a "bad" personality and I don't feel bad for [all] of my actions. I do for alot though...but they're usually the ones people aren't.
Hell, I feel bad for even making this and letting you all in on what I think.
Nobody really wants to know what I think.
And another thing...
Nobody seems to care what I think except on the most stupid of matters... Like my dad wanting to know what my opinion is on what we eat foir dinner.
If it was up to me we wouldn't eat.
And if it was up to me... I have no idea.
I guess I'd have more privacy... For what though?
I have no idea.
I really don't know...
...
Whatever....
|
|
| ...Blah... |
[18 Nov 2004|09:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chrono Cross TimeScars OC ReMix - FFmusic DJ |
] |
So...cold...
Throat...hurts...
lol
I have become addicted to cough drops because they numb the pain...
My throat hurts like hell...
And I really wish Jenny would get better soon...
O.o
But, I took a few tests a little biut ago...
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Fun!
I'm in the fifth level of hell and deserve to be in like...3 other ones as well!
Isn't that great?!
Yep, I really have a straight ticket to Hell if there is one...
Whatever though...
I gtg now... I'll update more complete later...
|
|
| Blah...Blah blah blah... blah blah...blah blah. |
[14 Nov 2004|08:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Beautiful World - Coldplay |
] |
Yeah...today WAS going well, but it wasn't too great.
I woke up happy and had to do more shit than I wanted not to mention when I'm at home I ALWAYS get some horrible feeling that I have to be depressed or "happy"
And by "happy" I mean that forced happy and forced social me.
Unless there's nobody else home.
Then I'm fine.
Or when it's rainging outside and I can lock myself up in my room for a long long time.
But no...
I'm frucking pulled out to "socialize" which means sit there and look "happy" for a few hours and be miserable and pissed off as shit inside and angry.
...
X_x
It's a good thing it's sunday and I can go to school tomorrow.
lol
And a few good things.
1. I kickass as scrabble...
lol
I got a score of like... 170 something when everyone else got a high of 140...
2. NO MORE CROSS COUNTRY.....after tomorrow....lol
3. I Don't know!
....
Yeah!
|
|
| A [very very very slightly] better day... |
[09 Nov 2004|09:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Imagine - A Perfect Circle |
] |
So slight it might not have been better at all...
All that happened was I got my 2 CDs and IZ DVD today instead of monday...
Now I have nothing to look forward to next week.
Nothing at all.
NOTHING!
X_x
Whatever.
Next week seems like it'll suck and be boring as hell.
And tomorrow is....
Whatever.
I have thrusday off for something... Veterans Day I believe, but not firday.
Sure, having a day off is nice, but just...fuck.
Why the fuck not Friday?!
Whatever.
Just....
Whatever.
Like Benjamin from Animal Farm said...
"Life will go an as it always has..... badly."
That's true...
Whatever though.
Why can;t I just go numb?
Really...that'd be nice.
Immune to all pain.
I wish it was mentally as well...
No pain mentally or physically...
Whoo!
But no... I can't be numb. Life doesn't let me.
However I think if you were mentally numb you couldn't feel physical pain either...
But that's just me thinking....
Whatever.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I REALLY don't wand to do anything other than talk to my friend(s) online...
And by that I mean Jenny and like... Andrew.
But no.
They're both gone from me for now.
So...just shit.
Whatever.
I don't have to be at cross coutnry any6more. I COULD turn in my jersey and just stop going because I didn't qualify for the last race, but no...
Just fuck fuckety fuck fuck no...
My parents are still making me go...
X_x
I want to scream
I get urges to just scream and run away.
Just fucking leave...
But I suppress them.
I hold them back and hide them away....
Far far away, but they're not far away.
I can feel them inside me. I can feel them just twisting around and infesting themselves into me making me more and more fucking kiserable.
And goddamned fucking Best Buy for ruining my next week by sending my stuff early!
....
X_x
I would say I'm not complaining because I got my stuff early, but I am complaining because it's too early. I wanted to wait for monday so I have something to fucking look forward to next wekk, or fucking thsi godfdamned month for that matter.
I really could care less about Thanksgiving because I really really hate it.
And another thing that will make this one worse than all the other ones is my aunt and uncle are scaring the shit outta me....
They're having another kid AND they're inviting some scary person over that I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THEY ARE!!!!
X_x
Fuck...
Whatever though.
Life will go on badly like always.
I want to do something... Urges in my stomach tell me to do something.
I think it's yell profanity and just not do anything but lie there and listen to music ALL NIGHT and not sleep as I just think. But about what? I have no clue... Any whay would I do that when tomorrow's gonna suck a fuck anyway?
Fuck it.
I don't want to go.
But I have to anyway.
I mean...shit.
My mom makes me go to school even if I have like... a cold or something.
( Read more... )
Cut for profanity...although it's not like you haven't seen it before...
Whatever.
"I walk alone and my shadow's the only one who walks beside me..."
Can't someone just permanently remove my shadow somehow so I'm ALWAYS alone...
My damned shadow... I knwo he's trying to kill me. I just know it. He hates me too. He really does. He's gonna try and kill me eventually. I just know it.
|
|
| Wow...I'm really really in a shitty mood! |
[08 Nov 2004|09:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Give Me Novacaine - Green Day |
] |
First off...
Some song I tried to get didn't work.... 12-17 times....
X_x
I gave up on that for today.
Jenny wasn't here to talk to, but she needed to take a break. She really did.
I worry about her alot and I believe it was a good thing she take a break.
And what else?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
I guess just stress built up and worry and such just ate away at me.
It happens alot.
And this song is making me WANT to take up painkillers... But no, I can't.
For one I don't have the money, and second, I'd become far too addicted and I can't do that to my actual friends.
Screw those who live near me.
Well, except 2 people. Maybe.... Just maybe.... 3
Whatever though.
Today I on;y ate a bagel, a thing of gummies, rolaids, a handfull of chinese snack mix, a cookie, a few ginger snaps, and little bit of pasta.
That's really not alot.
Hell, I noticed I LOST weight since this summer.
Whatever though.
As long as I'm alive and functioning almost properly.
Err...
As long as I'm alive.
And the news depresses me.
I hate the news.
People die from soemthing or other, or people suing eah other because so and so did soemthing to whatever...
Fuck them.
They need to go away.
They ALL need to go away.
and I noticed a really good thing about LJ, it lets you have personal and private messages for yourself and only yourself to see.
I love that.
Hell, one of the only reasons I keep a LJ now is because if I suddenly go insane and forge shit it' almost all here for me to read.
It helps me remember stuff because I know my memory is going.
I truly know it is.
Shit, I don't want to go to school tomorrow...
But I have to so, whatever.
What choice do I have other than somehow make myself get sick within the next....8 hours?
|
|
| Crappy day... Crappy crappy day... |
[06 Nov 2004|11:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Give Me Novacaine - Greenday |
] |
Good news - Jenny helped me set my LJ up kickass.
I borrowed the new Greenday CD
Today is Saturday
I don't [think I] have to race this next weekend
I ordered the first Invader Zim DVD, the new A Perfect Circle CD, and a Gothic/Acoustic LP CD
Bad new - Woke up at 4 AM
Fell asleep uncomfortably on the bus
Was sore before/during/after my race
Felt shitty about myself because I thought too much
Was depressed on the bus ride home because I was listening to a song too many times
My day was wasted
There ya go...
An overview of my day.
And I have something to say.
The people around me (at school) treat me like shit. All except Lamar and Andrew. I believe I can feel good inside knwoing they're angry and pissed off for a little bit for all the shit they stick me through.
And I know that's a really bad thought, but still.
They need to know what it's like from time to time.
I'm sadistic, I'm maoschistic, I'm just wrong in the head.
I know that.
I hate to admit things on here because of some of the reactions I'd get, but whatever.
Like the last entry. I got 4 replies for it.
Whatever.
Really, whatever.
Dah... I love the new layout thingy for my LJ....
And something else...
I have like... 20 something pages written out for my new story thingy...yeah. Not sure about words though....
|
|
| A Long Awaited Update.... |
[04 Nov 2004|10:19pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Way You Like It [Sam "sever" Citrin Remix] - Adema |
] |
Okay, first of all, I have one thing to say.
I fucking hate Kerry.
But another thing.
I hate Bush as well.
But you know, I can tolerate Bush for some extent, only because I know for a goddamned fact that it pisses my friends off that are Kerry supporters.
I don't know. I just love seeing alot of my friends pissed off that he won and such.
I really wanted, with all my heart, for the damned election to be over so I could see people bicker and bitch and whine and complain at each other and fight. And you know what? That actually happened.
I really don't care.
I can't stand Kerry.
I really really can't.
Even the sight of his face annoys the hell out of me. It's like he's smiling at me with some fake smile and that inside he's looking down upon me like some horrible arrogant asshole and he's just thinking something along the lines of something about getting the hell out of there quickly.
But really, Bush didn't do that bad of a job, sure he could have done better, but really.
Kerry would have done the same thing.
In this world, I'm afraid to admit, it stands as kill or be killed.
That's my political bullshit for this update and that's, I hope, all I have to post up. Polotics tears people apart and shreds lives. I've seen it happen.
Anyway...
On some other note, I started a sequal to Unstable Insanity for the November writing thingy... Yeah. I forgot the name of it...
lol
But, the title of what I'm writing is called Unstable Insanity: A Lethal Dose of Hell
Everything around me REALLY makes me want to just curl up and cry myself to sleep. Hell, it wouldn;t be the first time I've done it.
School seems to be going by really fast. It's kind of like playing Tetris on like... X4 speed. It's almost impossible, but not so complex and fast that it can;t be done. I'm getting everythging done and all of that, but it's just frustrating that I don't have the time I did last year. But that was to be expected and I don;t care. The main problem I have is Cross Country.
Wow, people REALLY don't want to read about my problems for long periods of time, but they do anyways and just ingore me.
They all fucking ignore me.
The only few who don't are Jenny, Whitney, and Andrew.
Well, Lamar also, but he adds some odd comments to it.
But really...
That scares the shit out of me.
Well, I take that back.
There are 2 others.
But they don't have anything they can feedback with as well... They can only feed me full of hopes and dreams that get shattered the next day from just...bullshit.
And don;t tell me I'm not going through shit, because I am.
It might not be to some people, but it is to me.
Hell, I was ever so tempted to beat the living crap out of someone yesterday.
Ever so tempted.
All I did was knee him in the crotch and shove him in the face for being an asshole. And he had it coming as well.
"Sometimes I only remember te days when I was young
Nowadays no one remembers when they were young and stupid
The way you like it"
Shit damn.
I really really really need to escape from here.
Sure, I like my home, but I swear to Pyramid Head that if I have to keep going through the SAME EXACT FUCKING SCHEDULE DAY AFTER DAY I'm going to swallow razors.
I swear I will.
I have the same exact classes every fucking day.
No switch at the end of the first sememster either....
Fuck.
It's boring as hell and I have to go through 3/4 more of the school year.
This is going to be fucking fun.
My first 2 classes are my worst ones because school starts too fucking early.
7:35 is NOT A FUCKING GOOD START TIME unless you give me goddamned caffeine fucking everyday.
Just...
Fuck...
Just...someone please beat the shit out of me.
It has to be someone I know and trust with my life.
I just want to have the crap kicked out of me.
I can;t explain it. The only way to is that I want to be beaten up so... I don;t know why. I just feel the urge to be in pain. Lots of pain.
Maybe I'll write a song about it and sell it to a band for a few hundred dollars.
And with that money I'll buy more music to absorb myself into and spread my lyrical knowledge and make more songs and sell them. That would be nice. But you know what? The world has taught me to fucking piss on my dreams and discard them ebcause nothing you really want with all of your heart and soul will ever come true.
The world's taught me this and I stand by it.
Fuck, I cant stand school anymore.
If I could, and not get arrested, I'd have a chainsaw massacre there at the school and then just pile the bodies around me and lay there and sleep.
But no. I know better than that.
I can't do that.
Ever.
Trust me.
Society has taught me that everything that I want to do with my life I should just stick in a bag, piss on it, and then throw it away and bend over because society will just fuck us all in the ass one way or another. It's easier to just go along with things than struggle and cause more mental trauma than necessary.
I know I need ot get out of here soon.
Once I turn 18 I might just drive away and self admit myself in a mental help clinic or where the hell ever.
I need to do so sometime.
I knwo I should be taking drugs for all my mental problems too, but am I? Hell no. I don;t feel as if I can tell my parents about them and ask them to take me to a psychiatrist because, 1) I don't want them to pay that much for me. I feel bad when they spend money on me. 2) Alot of people have told me that psychiatrists are bad and they don't help much. 3) I really do, but society told me to go fuck myself so I cast that thought away. And 4) Just...no....
I want a bloody eye like the one in my display picture. Or one of them at least. One of my display pictures shows a woman with white hair and a red eye.
I want more problems with me so I have more of an excuse to be the way I am because I know I shouldn't be so dpressed for the few problems I really do have. I feel bad about that. And another thing I feel bad about is not being able to help my close friends as much as I feel I could if I was with them in ral life.
Fuck...
I know that if I was with them I'd either be really really happy and tell society to fuck itself rather then bend over for society, or I'd just break down even more and have more problems than I do now, but peiople to actually tell them to.
Shit...
I love my rubber bands and elastics.
My wrists have never felt such...odd...pain. I love it. It helps, but they go numb too fast. They really do......
|
|
| You know what......? |
[28 Oct 2004|09:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson |
] |
Shit damn.
First of all, I need to re-do my LJ to make it more....Silent Hill-like...
lol
And then the rest of the crap.
Yeah.
I'll just call it crap because that's how it makes me feel.
Hell, I ate breakfast today and I knew I shouldn't have when I got on the bus. I mean......fuck.
My stomach started hurting so bad when I got to english before lunch.
Luckily I had food to eat.
I was friggin starving because I haven't eaten more than dinner for the past 3 days...
That's when I really needed some antacid...but noooo... I never bothered to get more.
"I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver"
Shit....
It's scary how easily my mood goes from anry (which sometimes makes me happier to etn it all) to depressed...
>.<
Damn.
And it happened in the matter of a minute.
And I'm tired as shit.
I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep in one night in the past week.
I'd say the average ammount of sleep for me this week has been about.... 4 and a half almost 5 hours.
And I haven't been writing much in that little notebook thing really...
Yesterday I wrote the only quote "Pyramid Head is God and with His blade He punnishes all!"
and today I started the rules for a Pyramid Head worshipping cult...
lol
Whatever.
Hmm...
I need to go just.....
I don't know.
....
|
|
| Yeah... Like last post, whoo.... |
[25 Oct 2004|09:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson |
] |
Damn...I'm seeing shit outta the corner of my eye.
I do all the time. It's really creepy.
Like, I can be just sitting there and I think I see someone walking up behind me or next to me and I get paranoid and whip my head around and nobody's there. And using the computer I keep seeing orangle flashing boxes for messenger windows when I either don't have any messenger running or I don't have a new message from who I'm talking to.
It's rather odd.
And I do the same with writing and reading as well. I'll be writing something and a word looks different than what I had intended to say and I go and scratch it out and then realize it's the word I wanted there. And readin I see some weird crap sometimes.
I also see letters backwards or words written oddly from time to time. And I almost ALWAYS mix up lowercase d and b... O.o
I'll be writing and go to tick a d in there and end up putting a b or the other way around...
Same with a few other letters.
My handwriting can be so messy sometimes.
And you know what else?
For some unknown reason, I almost thrive and crave to be mentally insane. I almost WANT something to be wrong with me and have some mental disorder like... manic depression, bipolar, ADD, anything...
It's kind of like... I want to take medication so I can fight it and not take it and such.
Like, I want to have prescriptions for stuff and not take them just because.
O.o
It's weird.
And I always seem to want to have some horrible thing go wrong and have me end up in the hospital...
Just for a story to tell because alot of the shit in my life is boring as shit.
I really don't like my childhood because it's so... boring and normal.
I want some horrible past so being like I am has some reason behind it and I actually have a story to tell people about.
Hell, to tell the truth, a few of the things I tell people I don't tell anyone else because I know novody else would care. And I know that the people I tell it to would give me some sort of sympathy and show me they care.
And another thing, I almost always have the feeling that nobody cares.
Really...
I like... about at least 5 times a day get the feeling that nobody cares and those who do are just faking it to use me.
I've been used before... I know I have and it sucks to be used.
Hell, Hiroshi played me like a fucking game!
That bastard...
And I know some of my friends have.
Hell, recently I kind of discovered someone I was really close with kind of just used me and threw me away to get through a hard time.
We haven't talked in a month or 2 even.
X_x
"Feeling alone and you're all alone, flesh and bone by the telephone, lift up the reciever and I'll make you a believer"
If only it was that easy.
Hell, I'd be on the phone all the friggin time if I knew that there was someone to talk to on there that could make me feel better.
Just....dah...shit.
"Your own, personal Jesus, someone to hear your prayers, someone who's there."
Wow, I really must be extremely boring to read about in this livejounral after a while. All I do is piss and moan about things and from time to time have a happy entry that's weird.
Hell, all my entries seem to follow one of a few patterns.
One is that they're short small and to the point.
Another is they'rew short small and extremely vague as shit.
Some others are long and drawn out and to the point and long and drawn out and vague as hell.
And there are some which are both and yeah.
They all must be really boring.
I mean, shit.... I went to the VERY beginning of my entries and started reading them...
Holy crap was I almost happy then
I mean...shit damn
I used to be a whole lot better than I am now.
All my entries were all so simple and owrry free almost and the worries that they had were so small compared to the shit now.
That was before any bad shit happened to me and before I felt used.
But screw that.
Hell, I'll die alone for all I care.
All alone and have just mass ammounts of writings everywhere.
I'll buy file cabinets and fill them to the brim with papers of writings about stuff and everything. Have multiple novels written out and all that. And then when I die they'll all be burned most likely. I may leave them to one of my only living family members left and they'll read them and either think of them as great and try and get them published and fail miserably at that, or just not care and burn them all after looking through them so slightly that all the good stuff won't even be shown the light of day before it's set aflame.
lmao
And in my grave I'll be laughing at how ignorant all of the world is.
And on a slightly happier note, I finally found the song Simple and Clean from Kingdom Hearts.
Whoo!
lol
Now I have music tolisten to in my grave!
lol
All those maggots will make my bones feel simple and clean once they clean all of the flesh from them.
lmfao
Hmm...
And I dunno if I posted this down in here before...
But, I noticed I'm becoming more and more of a vegetarian. Meat, to me, really seems disgutsing to eat. Yet what's funny is I have no problem playing Silent Hill games and watching all of those horribly gorey movies....
*shrug*
Whatever.
But... the fact that it was just an animal is.... dah...
You know?
However, you do have to give credit to the hunters out there who use all of the animals they get.
Like the bones for things, the skin and fur, all the meat, etc...
I have no problem with that because the animal was once free and roaming, not farm raised in a one foot by 2 foot cage to fatten up and get fed vitamins to make them all sick and fat...X_x
And just the fact that it was an animal... Dah...
It really hit me yesterday when I was eating lunch.dinner at my grandparents house.
We had ribs of some sort...but all I could imagine was a pig sitting there on the table and we're reaching into and and pulling pieces out and eating them...
>.<
I didn't eat much.
But you know, poultry doesn't bother me much for some reason. I have no idea. It's mostly red meat...
I mean.... poultry is a bird... And usually the ones we have now (and this is bad mind you from crappy genetics we've done to the poor things) when it rains will just stand there with their mouths open and stare up at the sky and drown.
X_x
It's rather funny, but there's also the fact that they don't know better.
Blah...whatever...
And, if you all don't mind, for those of you who ACTUALLY read all of this, leave a message for me to get and idea of who reads this and who doesn't.
Or not...which ever one you prefer.
Whatever floats your boat.
Or sinks it.
Or obliterates it
Or does nothing to the boat but just pass by and wave so you can sit there and look angry and suspicous at the person in the other boat who's just trying to be friendly.
You know...whatever.
Or if you prefer this.
"....Yeah."
You really have to cater to everyone when you say something like that because, what if someone doesn't want their boat to float? What if they want it to be sunken? Or in a bazillion pieces at the bottom of the lake? Or maybe it's not a lake they're on. Maybe it's a river, or sea, or an ocean. Or who knows, maybe a pond. A puddle?
Whatever.
Whatever does whatever you want to your whatever.
You never know. What if they don't have a boat?
What if they have an inner tube and they're just floating there angry and just waiting for someone to come by and wave at them so they can shoot them with their shotgun?
You never friggin know, them damned angry water pirates! Them and their shotguns. Or pistols. Or revolvers. Or rifles. Or crossbows. Or entire floating catapults which fling dozens of goats at a time to just smother you with. But then again, if you're in the water, how can a goat smother you? You may drown, but probably not be smothered. Maybe it's cooling tar they launch and it covers you and you get smothered and can't breathe? Or who knows... What if it's themselves they launch? Huh? You never friggin know. They could weight 4000 pounds and then just land on you and break you. Yes, break you. Not your bones, but your entire body.
You gotta watch out for them floating boulders of people there.
And, whoo hoo!
I just found 75 cents!
Tjhose damned puddle pirates better stay the fuck away or I swear... I swear I'll do it. I'll poke their eyes out with my bare gloved hands.
lol
Contemplate that for a sec.!
Or maybe I'll shoot them with a crossbow. I never said anything about arrows mind you. Hell, I'll just throw the quarters at them and run away screaming something about the end of the world and those damned pirates. Or better yet, I'll walk into the middle of a preschool and throw quarters at the floor and run out screaming only to have the police called on me for being a complete psycho. I mean, who knows what I'm thinking! Hell, I don't even know!
Did you know all this stuff is just flowing from my fingers as fast as it comes to my mind. I don't have much time to edit it around befgore I type it, so what you get here in this section is my thoughts.
lol
Aren't I a fucked up person?
lmao
Yeah. You know I am. Don't try to deny it. Hell, if you do, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... Go eat air. Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna bretahe all of your air in the world and you're going to have to go breathe someone else's air and get arrested for thievery of air! Oh! and what then? Huh? What the hell then? You'll spend about 0.5 seconds in jail for that. You never know what may happen in that time! Hell! You may get 40000000 tattoos of random shit all over you. But they'll be so small nobody will ever notice. But you'll know they're there. Yeah you will. And it'll bug you every waking moment of your life until you snap and just go and cut all the skin off of your body because who knows how many germs it has or what was on it! Then you can just use plastic wrap as skin! And everyone will see your insides. And they're all gonna laugh at you! And throw up at your very site. You, you know they will. If not in front of you, then behind your back. They're always laughing behind your back. They all are!
I swear it's tru. I see them. Yeah, I see them all the time. They keep making fun of you. Then you'll be forced to go andf kill them all. Yep, that's what you'll have to do. Kill 'em all!
ALL OF THEM!! THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU! ALL LAUGHING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND MAKING FUN OF YOU! ALL OF THEM LAUGHING AND LAUGHING AND EATING AND POOPING AND WIPING AND GERMS EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE UNDER YOUR PLASTIC WRAP! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL YOU! WHO KNOWS WHAT INFECTOUS DISEASES YOU'LL GET! EBOLA, THE HAUNTA VIRUS, AND WHAT THE HELL ELSE? WHO KNOWS!
BUT YOU'LL GET THEM ALL. YOU WILL AND WILL FOREVER BE THAT 5% THAT IS SUSCEPTABLE TO EVERYTHING, EVEN IF YOU'RE THE WRONG GENDER, RACE, OR WHATEVER. YOU'LL GET IT ALL!!!!
AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU AS YOU HAVE ALL THE DISEASES AND THEY'LL LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND BREATHE AND LAUGHING AND BREATHING AND LAUGHING AND BREATHING AND LAUGHING AND BREATHING AND LAUGHING AND BREATHING AND LAUGHING AND BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're.....all....laughing at me >.<
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
THEY ALL NEED TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| *in a low and apathetic voice* whoo....... |
[25 Oct 2004|07:47pm] |
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PErsonal Jesus - Marilyn Manson |
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i'm almost tempted to start my ibuprofen thing I had going last year for a while.... But you know what? No... I won't.
Ibuprofen, taken in large quantities mind you like... more than 4 at a time, will/may cause stomache ulcers.
X_x
Internal bleeding doesn't sound fun and yeah...
lol
Hmm...what else......?
Today was... I don't know.
I was totally out of it the whole day.
I don't even remember what happened really. All I did that I truly remember doing, not in a zombie-like manner, is draw Pyramid Head.
lol
French was sooooo boring....
I swear.
All we did was learn a new verb and translate some page of stuff from our book.
It took a little bit... maybe 20 minutes, and then we got given homework (which only took me about 90 seconds to complete) and I just wrote shit down in my little notebook.
Then in Biology we...ummm.... Took notes off the board? I truly don't know. Something about photosynthesis and how plants basically rule the world because without them we'd all be fucked over.
lol
And in Algebra 2 nothing happened.
English was somewhat exciting and thought provoking. We were talking about (for only about 3 minutes) Lord Of The flies and then went into a "If you had a utopia..." conversation and Mrs. Parker listed all of the things on the board under a bunch of catergories. It was cool. And then someone said that it would have only one religion or no religion and one language. Keep it clean and simple.
lol
Mrs. Parker was like "We're going to have to watch out for you..."
lol
And she explained something about... What was it... Dah... some form of government where there was only one thing or nothing and yeah. Not too great.
lol
And then it changed to "If we were all equal, what rights would you have to give up and what would be required?"
And after listening to people for about 10 minutes explain all of these things that they would have to give up I raised my hand and said "Well, we would have to give up all free will and rights whatsoever and be basically nothing. We couldn't have personality and just be mindless drones. And if this were to hapopen, who would be seeing over all of this to make sure it's equal? Certainly it can't be a person because we're all 'equal.' And it would work if something like The Matrix were to happen and we made machines to order all of this and then the creators of these machines just up and committed suicide. But I don't see that being too possible, so all of this is impossible."
lmao
Boy did I get weird looks from some people. And Mrs. Parker was like "Yes, that's exactly right. This would be impossible."
lol
That was fun. Just about the highlight of my day.
And what's also cool is we've been given (our class only) copies of Anthem to keep.
I love the book so far and I've only skimmed over the first few pages.
It started off with "It is a sin to write this" and went on to explain how you can't do anything, think anything, or say anything, or even write anything alone. Hell, to write something without everyone having the ability to read it is a "sin" and yeah. And the government would have to tell you it's okay to write something. They have to give you PERMISSION to write anything.
What's cool is the copies we were given were printed out on just plain paper so we can write on them and add notes and all of that.
I'm starting to like English 2X even more.
lol
And lunch was crap.
But there was some guy standing over on the other side of the electrical boxes taking notes of us. X_x
I usually have lunch down by the G wing bathrooms outside and there's 2 drink machines there. One's a coke machine and the other is what...powerade? Whatever... The only good stuff they have is like... coke and yeah.
lol
Caffeine!
lmao
But, theres 2 cement tables by there and yeah. And the electrical boxes for I believe the whole school.
lol
Andrew and I planned to one day just take a lock picking kit and in the middle of winter open the box and turn off all of the power.
lol
But we never would to that... Too many teachers. lol
lol
Whatever.
But today there was some guy that was on the other side of them watching us the whole time and either taking notes on what we did and said and such, or he was being a dumbass and fiilling out papers on his clipboard. I'm going with the first one myself.
And then History was a blur and.... Psych was okay I guess.
Then, to top it all off was Cross Country in which we ran about 7 K...
X_x
After I got home I talked to Jenny for a bit...
Yeah.
lol
And I still need to scan and color Pyramid head...
X_x
MUST.....COLOR.....!!!!
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